i choose for a change. while writing this the boys are at the daycare. mixed feelings all over. i will write about my thoughts in this blog. if you are a mom who thinks every day ‘it is all worth it’ – maybe you should not continue reading ;-).
since june the twins are getting harder and harder. our holiday to mauritius now just feels like a quick breath in a long hot summer. when we got home from our holiday, it still was hard. harder than last year, harder than the time when the twins were newborn and jack just one year old. asking attention, all day [and sometimes also all night]. and to be honoust, i still don’t know if the kids are really harder – because last year they also asked for attention all day – or i just lost my energy. i don’t know. i hadn’t time to think about it.
my mom is helping me out every day since our holiday, in the morning ánd afternoon. i couldn’t handle it on my own. then there was a day in august – i think four or five weeks ago – when i woke up with zero energy. labile, crying a lot, the whole morning. the day after it, same. and so on. i couldn’t get myself together. i didn’t recognize myself anymore. i had always a lot of energy, positive mind and i was looking forward to every day. i lost the feeling. every day i was looking forward to bedtime. i couldn’t think ‘it is all worth it’ anymore.
so, today is their first day at daycare. i hope it is going to work, for them, for me. also, i have to work to afford the daycare. but first a few days for myself, to think, to do housekeeping and write on my blog.
i have mixed feelings about the whole situation. on one side i feel like i failed, failed in raising my own kids. on the other hand i feel like i won. i pushed the ‘stop’ button in time. before everything inside me collapsed.
lets see what this change is going to bring.
ps. trying around with my new ef 50mm lens. hope to share more pics soon.
a big thanks to my hub for alwasy supporting me.